As we all know, we are currently in the middle of a pandemic. It has been such a weird time to say the least. From having to leave Santa Barbara three months before expected to having to go to outdoor mass, it's all been hard to wrap my mind around. And on top of that, the questions continued coming: "Lord, what do You want me to do? What do You want me learn from this? How do I put everything into Your hands? Do You want me to leave my family in the middle of this pandemic?" For a long while, I struggled. A lot. I was saddened about leaving Santa Barbara and not getting to say goodbye to all of my friends the way I had planned to. I was devastated about not having a normal graduation ceremony which I had worked so hard for during the past 4 years. If I am being honest, I did not want to turn to Jesus during this time. I found it so difficult to enter into prayer when I did not even have a chapel available to me. Of course, there are ways to enter into prayer outside of the chapel, but I was not having it. I knew that my situation could be so much worse and I did not want to feel so distant from our Lord. So what did I have to do? I had to adjust and come to accept the reality that was being presented in front of me. I'm not saying it was easy, but what I found to help was having a spirit of gratitude in all things. I focused on the small things that made me genuinely happy whether it was a funny joke told by my sister, a super intentional conversation with a friend, or a new song that I loved to listen to on repeat...all day. I came to realize that the Lord was sending me all of these signs of His presence and I had been ignoring them for a while. I started to focus more on the positive than the negative and things got surprisingly easier as time went on.
Now, the time came when I was not sure about continuing on with Farm of the Child. I was distraught because I had been so excited to start this new chapter in my life and now everything seemed to point me away from the Farm. Naturally, I tried to pray about my decision, but I could not seem to find the right answer. After talking to a friend, I realized that my discernment with Farm of the Child was a consistent thing. Even though I had received consolation in my decision back in January when I committed to the Farm, the subjective reality of my prayer then was not lining up with the objective reality being presented to me. Finding the little things that I was thankful for brought me back to a place of consolation and I started to feel affirmed in my decision to be a missionary once again. It was at that point that I heard Jesus telling me that He was still asking me to leave my current life behind for the time being. Though there were a lot more obstacles at this point in time, I chose to say "yes" once again to the call I heard. My decision once again brought me peace.
Though there was some worry in going to another country during such an uncertain time in our lives, I was mostly excited. I started to prepare for Farm life and started to wonder about what Jesus had in store for me. During this time, the other incoming missionaries and I had meetings to learn more about the Farm and other logistics that needed to be taken care of before our departure. We found out that the retreat plans had changed so that we would now have a virtual retreat instead of an in-person retreat. I was not incredibly thrilled because I had been looking forward to meeting the other missionaries whom I would be living with for 15 months. However, I knew that the given situation was asking for me to be patient and understanding. I knew that Jesus would work through a virtual retreat (and I was not mistaken, but we will get to that in a bit). Also, we had originally been scheduled to leave in August, however our departure date got moved to September. Once again, I had to try and be patient and understanding. I wanted to start my mission work, but I was also thankful for the extra time that I would have with my family and friends before leaving. I was thankful for the extra conversations mostly, but also the extra time to grow in trust in the Lord.
I was already all in for the Farm, but I felt like there were times when I was trying to hold back my excitement and joy. The uncertainty of my departure date and the inability to meet in person with the other incoming missionaries was getting to me. Yet, I still had the virtual retreat coming up in mid-July. Like I said before, I was not looking forward to it too much, but I knew that the Lord would show Himself. And He did. We met up at 10am PST online on Friday morning and I was not sure of what to expect. Yeah, I had an itinerary, but that didn't give any details. We started off with introductions and getting to know why each of us had chosen to be a missionary with the Finca. Each of us had a very unique story and unique calling. The Lord had pursued us all so differently, yet we had all ended up at this place. We learned more about what it means to be a missionary and what it means to do service work. We talked about culture shock and what to expect when we moved to Honduras. It was all great information. During our breaks, we had the opportunity to connect one-on-one with our class of missionaries. I loved getting to know them a bit better. No, a 20-minute conversation did not tell me everything about one of my peers, but it did tell me enough to know that I was going to learn so much from each of them and I was going to be surrounded by people who loved the Lord. When that detail fell into place, I was so affirmed in my decision to join the Farm of the Child mission to love and serve the kids entrusted to me.
On Saturday, we got many more details about the Farm and about how and why it came to be. There were a lot heavier topics than the first day. In short, there was a lot I learned and there was a great hope in the Lord."The Lord is the redeemer of the souls of his servants" (Ps 34:23). We spent a lot of time reflecting on this day and getting to know each other better. There was a lot to process, but our day ended in the best way possible. Laura, a former missionary and the host of our retreat, told us that the current missionaries in Honduras had made a video for us. It was a long video that gave us a glimpse into life as a missionary - COVID edition, of course. The missionaries at the Farm exuded joy, peace, and they made us all laugh. They were making the best of the situation and showing us a glimpse into our future. They gave us a tour of the Farm and showed many things ranging from their morning routine to the chores they had to do. They also featured many of the kids and it brought me so much joy. Like I mentioned, there was a lot of laughter and peace during the duration of the 17 minutes and again, I felt affirmed in my decision with the Farm.
On our last day of the retreat, we made a self-care plan and shared it with each other to be held accountable. It was a good way to learn more about our own habits and what to look out for, but this day was our last day to do some community bonding. We played a fun game via Zoom that tested our creativeness and shared a bit into each of our pasts. We also learned more about our departure date. I felt certain that we would not be leaving in September since the pandemic was not getting better and the borders into Honduras were still closed, however, I was pleasantly surprised when we were told that the plan was still to leave in September and the exact date was to be determined. I can now tell you all that my departure date is September 16th and we will be quarantining together once we arrive in Honduras.
After we were given our departure information, it all seemed a little surreal to me. I couldn't believe that I would be leaving in 2 short months. There was so much to do!! There were doctor appointments to be made and health insurance to be bought and clothes to pack. We, as incoming missionaries, were also given an 8-week reflection guide that we were told to start about 1 week after the retreat ended, which meant that 9 weeks after our virtual retreat, we would be in Honduras (and actually less than that since we would be doing the final 2 weeks of the reflection guide while in quarantine in Honduras).
Since the end of the retreat, we have been meeting online with each other on a weekly basis to reflect on different readings and also to build community. We have played games, taken personality tests, and talked about some of our packing struggles. I have come to appreciate my fellow missionaries so much more over the course of the past month since our retreat ended and I can already see some of the ways that the Lord is working. We all come from different states and experiences, but we are open to learning from one another and I think that is a beautiful thing.
Though there were some doubts when the pandemic hit, I can now say that I am more sure about my decision to join the Farm than I was before and I am so excited to finally be working with my incoming class of missionaries and forming relationship with them, the current missionaries, and of course, the children at the Farm. I feel truly blessed that the Lord has placed me on this path. I ask you all to keep the incoming missionaries - Kelsey, Georgi, Emma, Britney, Megan S., and myself - as well as the current missionaries - Megan W., Adam, Marisa, Melissa, and Ryan - in your prayers as we come together in a few short weeks and continue with the mission of Farm of the Child. Please also keep all of our kids and staff in your prayers as well.
The next time you will be hearing from me, I will be in Honduras, God-willing. For now, I bid you adieu but please be assured of my prayers for you all.
Paz y bien,
Alicia
P.S. You can find a picture from our virtual retreat under "GALLERY"
